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Discover what caused 9 Better Networker Instructors including Ann Sieg, Mike Dillard, Ferny Ceballos & Raymond Fong to drop what they were doing to join a new opportunity committed to creating 100 millionaires by 2012.
The Primal Language of Conflict
A couple of days ago, I had an interaction with a client and upcoming leader in the network marketing industry, which caused me to reflect quite a bit about something which is at the root cause of all conflict, and suffering in this world.
In this interaction, in what this person probably thought was a "nice way" of saying what he thought of the way I did a few things in my business, he rubbed me the wrong way. Let me first say that I've always liked this guy (I still do), he's a super hard worker and always has the best interest of those around him at heart.
So his comments were not said in malice in anyway, shape or form.
But for whatever reason, on this particular occasion, this person lacking a few skills of diplomacy and an understanding of how language, no matter how subtle will do one of 2 things - create conflict or promote peace and solutions.
The gist of his message to me was that he didn't particularly like an aspect of how I did business. What was interesting is that he tried soooo hard not to offend me. But no matter how much he padded it, it really didn't matter.
The reason is because in a conversation, when you tell someone "I'm not fond of it", "not the way I would do it", "That concerns me...", etc.
... what you are really telling the person is "I dont' like it", "You're wrong", and "I don't trust you".
Regardless of the tone you use, our human instinct is to immediately defend, fight or at least prove to the other person that you are "right" and he/she is wrong. That is human nature.
Unfortunately, using this language of "right and wrong" is the mode most of us operate under "by default" - it's a primal default. Especially in our society where traditional religious values teach us from the very beginning about good and evil, what we should do and not do, (i.e. right and wrong).
Is it a coincidence that most wars throughout history involved the use of religion to label the other side as "evil", thus justifying the war?
But more generally, all conflict arises from one side making the other side wrong in some way, and believing they are right. The belief that you are right also implies that you believe that you have all the information you need (enough of the entire story) to cast your judgment on the other party, and do so without doubt.
And the belief that you are right can certainly be a noble one, as was the case during WWII as the Allies fought the Nazis. When you have this belief you MUST be willing to fight for what you believe to be right and go all the way -- as it should be. If you're not willing to do this, then what is your belief worth?
I, for the most part, am aware of when I choose to tell someone they are wrong and I am always ready to back that up, (with my fists if I have to). I loathe the perpetual intellectual masturbators of our society who are more than happy to point out your flaws, how/why you are at the wrong, kick you when you are down, but never choose to participate in the real world and hide in the utopia of academia.
Believing you are right, should also come with the acceptance that you could be proven wrong, thus being willing to accept the consequences of being wrong. (Accepting humiliation, embarrassment or even death in the extreme case.)
And it is at this humbling thought, that I introduce the other alternative to the realm of "right and wrong" few in the world even know exists...
The Realm of What Works!
The sickening thing about politics is that representatives are constantly 'marketing' or 'selling' to their constituents in everything they do. A very successful marketing tactic is to demonize the otherside - thus accusing them of being wrong and convincing voters that that is the case.
Therefore, solutions towards what will work for the American people are rarely arrived upon.
When you speak to someone with a mindset and language of peace & solutions, you are saying to them "My goal is to find what is going to work for both you and me". Don't mistake this with compromise, because that still implies that there are things in the agreement you think are wrong.
When seeking what works, you are not looking to demonize, or make anyone wrong. In fact, the concepts of "wrong or right" doesn't even exist.
Like I said above, when you tell someone they are wrong or mistaken, it causes their guard to go up and on the most primal level feel threatened. When you seek what works, you are telling them "the solution we arrive at is going to benefit you", which will obviously invoke them to lean in closer to listen.
For example:
"I read your report the other day. I wanted to ask you about [blank] on page 4. Given that our goal is [blank], how did you arrive on that and how do you think it will help us achieve our goals?"
vs.
"I read your report the other day. I don't think your recommendation on page of about [blank] really contributes to achieving [blank] and will probably waste our time and money. What I think we should do is this..."
The first is inviting the person to share more about what they are thinking, not making them wrong and reminding them about what the ultimate goal is - perhaps even leading them to finding a better solution (maybe one you agree with) by forcing them to think deeper about the situation.
The second is rejecting their recommendation, minimizing their ideas and thrusting your ideas on to them without collaboration.
Another situation could be, if the person you are dealing with is a jerk, hard to work with and has a huge ego (provided they are not hostile or violent). It is still possible to work with that person and find solutions that work, provided you're willing to do the work to maneuver around the other person's traits.
You might want to find out what motivates this person, learn about their fears and desires and use that knowledge to craft your approach.
Of course, if the other person is hostile and is not willing to work with you, then politely asking the individual to kindly step outside for "further discussion" might be appropriate. :) (Thus stepping into the language of conflict and maybe some colorful language...)
Being Self-Aware
My point with all this, is in most situations, it is possible to arrive at solutions that work for everyone if you are willing to take responsibility for the current situation and your life by setting ego aside and work with what you have.
But most importantly, you MUST always be aware of the mode and language you are using. You must ask yourself whether you are defaulting to your primal language of right/wrong or if you are truly seeking solutions. Being self-aware and being really honest with yourself is the key and knowing was "mode" is appropriate to use in a particular situation.
And when choosing the route of conflict, you must be willing to go all the way and have conviction in your position.
Out of all my years in business and the parallel pursuit of person development, this concept of "what works" has been one of the most powerful in my life. It's been the difference maker in my relationships and has led to valuable partnerships, joint ventures and friendships with leaders such as Mike Dillard, Jay Kubassek, Charles Heflin, Jon Keel, Russell Wright, Tim Erway and countless others.
It's been instrumental in the successful partnership with my best friend and business partner, Raymond Fong, whom also understands this very well.
So to the rising star in this industry who was the catalyst for this reflection, I thank you for inspiring me to write this piece and I thank you for being receptive to my response.
In my response to him, I simply shared some of these concepts and I offered an explanation with regards to some of his concerns. Things are cool now. ;-)
(Originally posted at FernyCeballos.com - The Default Language of Conflict )
You can find more training articles by Ferny Ceballos on his official website: http://fernyceballos.com
About the Author: Ferny Ceballos
Member Since: 10/08/2007
I'm a Distributor For:: PRO U
Other Company: Attraction Marketing Formula, LLC.
Industry: Consulting
Primary Web Site: http://www.NoExcusesSummit.com
In this forum someone once
In this forum someone once said...there is three sides of a story...
1**Yours.
2**His.
3**Somewhere in between... The Real Truth.
Ferny, I'm glad you wrote
Ferny, I'm glad you wrote this piece. This is one of those hard to learn, hard to put into practice principles but so necessary to get ahold of and make it part of our being.
There are some very important points that stood out for me. You have to believe in what you are upholding as being right enough to defend it. And that working in the language of peace doesn’t mean you are compromising. I think people may be hesitant to begin this process because they don’t want to compromise. Perhaps fear drives that in that we are afraid we will lose rather than gain from letting go of our stance.
Thanks for sharing and reminding us how important our self-editing skills are.
Excellent Article
I guess it all comes down to what your goals are. If your goal is to get ahead then building relationships is much more important than being right. I like the way you talk about how to get your point across without making the other party feel defensive. There are an awful lot of broke "right" people out there. No need to be one of them.
The Golden Rule
Great post Ferny. It's amazing how many people forget the impact that they can have on others with just their words. Terms like respect, kindness, support, they seem to fly out the window for many when they are attempting to build a business. It's also a testament to you Ferny with the amazing relationships you have built. It's also shown by the leaders in addition to you such as Mike Dillard and Tim Erway. On calls you can really tell that all of you are truly passionate and respectful. That's why you are so successful. Keep up the great work Ferny. Take care.
Yes
Delivery is, indeed, everything. All relationships, business or otherwise, thrive when we approach people with positive input. Also, I feel so much better about myself when I approach people this way. When I am being critical, I bring myself down. When I am acting as part of a team, I empower everyone involved, including myself.
You made some very good points here. Thank you. ~Judy
Great insights my friend
I think -based on our past conversations- that you and I agree that most people don't even put that much thought into their communication. If they did, this would be quite a different world. As Stephen Covey (his "7 habits" should be mandatory reading in school btw) said: "communication is more a function of trust, then it is of technique". Hence the early success of George W. Bush. ;)
Talk to you later muscle man. (btw, I have regained the fine motor skills in my right hand since our last scuffle so I'm back to copywriting again LOL)
-T
http://www.workfornobody.com
Great Post!
It's funny, I feel some of these fundamentals should be taught in school. A nice refresher, thank you.
You Have My Vote
If you decide to run for president, you have my vote:)
Thank you Ferny
Someone once told me, "You really are not a diplomat." At the time I didn't even know what that meant, all I felt was the opposition and resistence, and it pushed a button within me. I'm grateful for that experience. It was one of those "ahaa moments." I didn't want to offend anyone, I just wanted to be heard. Well, I was heard and learned a lesson at the same time. Thanks for your thoughts and experience ... I'm sure I couldn't have said it better!
Soo True
That as always is great input.
One of the best examples of the right/wrong thinking is in sales letters. You find most of us when selling the technique that works for them, all other techniques must be wrong. Case in point most internet network marketers selling their systems on the basis of the internet is the only way and offline methods are all outdated or wont work.
I know internet marketing works but that does not mean warm market does not. The fact that article marketing works does not mean ppc doesn't. The fact that SEO is great is not evidence that ppc is wrong.
Must we always negate all others in order to sell? Is it not true that a combination and synergy of techniques might be what works?
Moses
Resolving the Heart of Conflict
Aloha Ferny,
You might find The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute in line with your understanding. It reveals the language that we truly hear beneath the language. Have fun and thanks for your thoughts.
This May Be Trouble
Hey Ferny, As I read your article, I realized that I too am guilty of acting out at a primal level.
What do you think about my situation?
There is a tension that exists sometimes with my wife and I as I build my business. Right now I'm in a building and growing stage.
At first I jumped right into the whole world of attraction and online marketing and it started with a simple blog. It took a lot of study and practice to ultimately get those "aha moments" that led me to realize that creating my own marketing system was key to having something successful.
And I've done this at the same time while juggling family time, personal time, and working two jobs. It's taken about three years to "get it" at the level that I know now.
But because of this learning period and the period it takes building my own system, and being on a very low budget, I've not seen the results I make claim will happen.
Just some money comes to my mail box, here and there, every now and then. Right now my product is still a long way from being finished and not ready to be marketed. At this point, it is just a lead capture page and I just finished writing the 2nd newsletter for my list.
My point is this often leads to tentions at home.
I also want to mention that I have studied a lot of Robert Kiyosaki's books and similar material. My mindset and beliefs, goals and ambitions have changed about life due to what I've learned from Mike Dillard, Ann Sieg, and Kiyosaki.
The way I have been handling this is I just state that our philosophies on life and the way things should work are different.
Or I say something like, you believe certain ideas and actions are going to bring certain results in life, and I have my ideas that I believe work.
But when I believe something, I am strong about my opinion. I've even told her that I don't think her way of thinking will work in the Information Age.
My wife agrees that she wants a good lifestyle, wealth, and independence. But my mistake is when I point out how I don't believe her actions and beliefs she expresses, reflect that this is true.
I am the one that is daily and actively pursuing it, it is something that comes up naturally in my conversations, and I've set goals that are being worked on.
I'm writing this because obviously I'm asking for your opinion and because dispite all the smiles on profiles, I'm sure there are others in this kind of situation.
It kind of makes me nervous knowing that I'm going to post this comment too, knowing that I am exposing a weakness. But what can I lose.
It's something that has to be learned.
I don't believe that my wife's position or beliefs are going to change soon.
I'm not going to change my beliefs soon because I believe I'll be stuck forever in the blue collar world if I don't.
And not only that, those that don't seek financial freedom are going to suffer as long as they live without adapting to the times.
So what do you think?
Changing Habits Through Information
This is great for getting your information out. If you run into somebody that really has a negative mindset on what you provide for people they can learn something that may change their whole way of thinking. What a way to build a business. People could be prepared and more confident. Never know, You might turn around someone who would have never thought he would be working with you..
For Billy
Billy, I know exactly what you are talking about.
The first step, which you have done is come to terms with the idea that your wife may never change and be able to accept that. Once you get that, it's time to think how you can better understand your wife, to see why she holds on to her beliefs.
Ultimately, belief is just that - a belief. Void of proof or logic.
So my approach is always to ask the other person questions. With a non-judgemental mind and clearing your mind of your opinion, probe and ask questions.
Eventually, if her way is incorrect, then she will come to the conclusion herself, or get stuck and ask you for your perspective. Then you can calmly tell her about what you are thinking and how you arrived at that conclusion.
The more questions you ask, the more it forces the other person to examine their own thinking, without you ever pushing anything on her.
Think of yourself as a scientists, specializing in the study of your wife and you are completely and utterly, fascinated by her.
Could be fun. ;)
I hope this helps.
-Ferny
Verbal Aikido
Great article! Conversely, I have found when being approached in a "less than diplomatic" manner, even hostile, my best defense is a favorite quote I once heard. "You may be right!" This effectively diffuses and dispels the need to argue or go head to head with another concerning their views, or more aptly in a manner that would be detrimental to both them and I. I can follow up the response with, "Let find an agreeable solution to this, what are your thoughts on a solution?" This has many times removed me from the "jaws of the lion" to a much more resourceful and diplomatic solution oriented arena.
Great Article!
Often times it's not what we say, but how we say it that matters. This was a great article about interacting with others without putting our mint flavored shoe in mouth. Very enjoyable and I'm going to share it with some others. Thanks for sharing it!
Dawn Mathisen
I've tried some of your way
Yes, I have tried some of what you have mention in your tips and most of the time its work.
Thanks Ferny.
Communication makes the world go round!
I find some of these things are gender based. Women really do communicate differently and have learned some of these things the hard way, especially in business.
For Billy
A woman's two cents... I completely agree with Ferny.
My husband avoids conflict like the plague and there is nothing that can put a smile on my face like a great debate. My BIGGEST pet peeve is the "we'll just have to agree to disagree" it is like taking the last how ever many minutes of our conversation and dismissing it. Ask questions, find common ground but don't agree to disagree.
And remember the sunscreen!
Ferny Goes Black Belt on us COOL!!
As with most kinds of struggle, conflict, even war; when we offer to consider the opposing position we pull the opposition off balance and now control the discussion. We use the momentum of the conflict and pull opposition to a place of "the Realm of What Works" Lets get with Ferny and propagate the idea of thinking toward what works in all areas of our lives. Thanks for the mental exercise This is fantastic
Believe in the spark of inspiration that burns inside you. THAT is what will set you free to have the life that you dream. More important than Believing... you must take BOLD ACTION. http://www.outamyhead.ws/
school of hard knocks
It's good when a person is brave enough raise a bit of opposition, because sometimes we're sending out signals that "we can't take it" so we don't get feedback. Unless it's just their habit to always be at war with others. An odd look at it: a forum a link led to an expert talking about how certain sugar issues tripped off certain brain stuff in the body the the person "needs" and they can get it from heated debates. Wondered, actually, about this when two different young people (20) interacted with what was being said (3 or 4 people involved) in a not-trusting way. Probably just me. Words are a double-edged sword always, so it helps to be in sword play...although practice can nick even your best friend. In a newspaper article about talking with raised-with-reality-shows (gen Y) says "It's not right, it's not wrong, it just is". So that's my new mantra to help communicate with the "echo-boomers". My friend (where I volunteer) calls certain people "direct communicators" :))
The Realm of What Works!
Hey Ferny,
Man, you got to feel for those up and comers who don't take pause to be more careful with their words and end up eating a boot and chasing it down with a dusty shot of Wild Turkey.
The biggest lesson I can both take and offer is that when communicating with people whom you respect, be darn sure that you are saying what you mean to say. Don't say one thing, and mean the other. It will only cause confusion and "weirdness" that never needed to be there in the first place.
Also, being careful with words and message is always important, especially as to keep in the spirit of collaboration and partnership for all things moving forward.
Thanks Ferny, these are subtle yet critical lessons for learning and growth.
Eric
Ferny & Billy too
Ferny, I have been amazed at your learned insights over and over, yet to see you come in and address Billy is just WOW. What you posted and now replied to Billy is yes, like Billy said not mentioned by myself too, yet I gain insight and hope with your words. Communcation IS a tool to learn,( the rest of my life) and thank you for this drop, from something so vast. I could not take any more in at this time if I wanted to, yet at least someone with your skill set is foundation stone. Thanks again
Thanks a lot!
Wow, that was really good, Ferny, thanks a ton! I do need to master that skill more and more. Good tips.
George
www.georgealex.net