Overcoming Your Greatest Fear...
Read More: A few weeks ago I was at my desk working on developing content for the SEO Networker program we launched in early Dec, when I suddenly received an instant message via Google talk from my friend Liz.
Her message said, “I want in on that relationship stuff you were learning about.”
(She was referring to Eben Pagan’s Deep Inner Game audios I had played for her.)
I asked her why she wanted them and she told me that she had not been coping well with a recent break up. It was a relationship she had hoped would turn out to be “the one”, despite many previous break ups and troubles.
She told me that she had been crying all day and couldn’t stop. She had work to do, but not being able to control her emotions was keeping her from doing it. She didn’t know how she was going to face people at work, with this uncontrollable stream of tears flowing down her face.
I’ll admit that at the beginning of the conversation, I didn’t have the faintest idea how I was going to help her stop crying, so both she and I could get back to work.
She told me a little more about what had happened. Her greatest frustration was “trying to make sense of it all”.
I told her “there was nothing to make sense of. It was a relationship between two people that weren’t meant for each other. You accept it as a learning experience and you try to move on”. (This was my weak and cold attempt at making her feel better.)
But she needed to understand why things worked out the way they did?
Why did he finally decide to break up with her, especially given that the previous two times she was the one who had broken it off?
Each time she called it off, he came crawling back and saying anything to have her take him back.
She could not understand why he would break it off, after practically begging her to take him back and telling her things only someone who truly loved her would say.
When she told me that, something very powerful entered my mind…
Your Greatest Fear Uncovered
Something I had learned a few years before from my personal experience was that fear of rejection is one of the most powerful things we can experience. In a relationship, the thing you fear more than losing someone you love, is being rejected by someone you love.
Fear of rejection is something that is hardwired into our DNA, having evolved from primitive beings who depended on the acceptance of a tribe (or group) for survival. A human-being who is alone, was as good as dead.
Fear of rejection from the opposite sex would prohibit us from procreating and having a family to ensure the survival of your bloodline.
And even after rejection occurs, our instincts are to rectify the situation and regain acceptance. We scramble, plot and will do almost anything to rejoin the group or partner who has rejected us. If we can’t regain this acceptance, it becomes a long hard road to recovery…
All of a sudden, the actions of Liz’s ex made sense… he may not have understood them himself, but it explained his seemingly illogical behavior in begging to be taken back, only to break off the relationship a short time later.
I shared this insight with her and told her that a big part of what she is feeling now is the pain from having been rejected, and not necessarily the break up. It's a powerful blow to the ego as well.
That is why the pain she felt on this night was greater than the pain she felt the previous two times she had called it off with him.
It was this same pain and fear of rejection, which forced him to ask Liz to take him back – twice!
As a result, anything he told Liz to convince her to take him back could not be trusted. He was in survival mode – channeling his primal instincts to regain the acceptance and saying just about anything. Then a few months later, he is the one breaking up with Liz and is somehow at peace with himself...
The act of breaking up with someone or rejecting someone is an 'alpha' move. Primaly, it was the alpha of the group who had the power to reject or expel someone.
Upon sharing my point of view, Liz had stopped crying. She had received what she was searching for. She suddenly became aware of why she felt the pain she did and why her ex had done the things he did.
The Red Pill
Gaining understanding of herself and of what it is to be human was a powerful moment for her and freed her mind from the confusion of "trying to make sense of it all".
In network marketing, we also experience this uncontrollable fear of rejection. And when we are rejected or turned down by someone, our initial instinct is to scramble and try to salvage the situation. When we can’t salvage it, we are consumed by the thoughts of mourning for our loss -- “What could I have done differently? What can I do to get him to understand?” And so on…
Eventually this perpetual experience of fear, rejection and mourning becomes too much and we quit.
It happens in all facets of our lives – we give up on our dreams, we give up on relationships, we give up on life and settle…
You settle for a job, you settle for someone you don’t love, you settle for mediocrity, because you are paralyzed by this invisible fear of rejection. And your fear of failure comes from others knowing you have failed, thus invoking a fear of rejection/ridicule from others.
For some people being aware of this human trait can be a curse, because now that you know that this fear has no real connection to your survival as a person, it becomes difficult to find an excuse for not taking action – whether it’s growing a business or going out on another date.
The blessing of knowing this is now you know that in your business, you must be the one qualifying, accepting and rejecting prospects. When you are in this 'alpha' position, fear of rejection is a non-issue.
I’m glad to report that Liz did indeed move on in her life in a powerful way – moving forward with her career, dating and being the sassy friend who enjoys busting my chops every chance she gets.
If you are failing in your business or other aspect of your life, it is time for you to become aware of your humanity and rise above your genetic design, to reach a higher level of consciousness (i.e. the Red Pill).
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Ferny Ceballos is an SEO expert and active networker. For further training, you can visit him at www.FernyCeballos.com or take advantage of 8 Free SEO Training Videos at www.SEONetworker.com.
About the Author: Ferny Ceballos
Company: Attraction Marketing Formula, LLC.
I'm a Distributor For:: Wealth Masters International
Industry: Consulting
Primary Web Site: http://SEONetworker.com
Right on
Its so true that we are all scared of rejection, and do anything to avoid it. And your right in most of these home businesses that people start up, they get a few knock backs and then quit. Or they takes the No's personally, and don't realise the NO is directed at the opportunity.
Persistance in anything is the key to success. Success rewards only people who are persistant. And most people give up on the verge of great success. Well they failed the test!
Here's a great story of persistence.. The founder of KFC made his secret recipe for his chicken at the age of 65. To that day he realised he hadn't achieved anything great and he desperately wanted too. So he went round to places selling chicken asking them if they would use his special spices on their chicken and pay him a certain amount per piece sold. He went round to 1009 chicken places before he got his first yes. And the rest is history. Learn to be persistant! And success will reward you. : )
This might have been a little off track but oh well.
The Rational mind is only 5% of the story...
Hi
Great post. To become aware is what makes us human (animals remain in a state of ignorant bliss)- it's that self reflective capacity we have that's inbuilt. It takes us from "natural behaviour" to civilized beings.
Insight is great. And a necessary pre- requisite to change (or action).
However, we all "know" what we need to do. Often understand what makes us tick and even why we repeat our destructive patterns- sometimes over and over again in this lifetime here on Earth School.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. The 5% of our minds that is controlled by rational behaviour.
The other 95% is unconscious! Long after we've broken up with the guy, it still hits us in the gut when we find out he has a new girlfriend. Even though we know we must give up smoking- we still do it.
Why?
Because the unconscious mind is controlling us. We haven't impressed upon it our new desire/goal or plan of action.
The unconscious mind relates to images.To feelings. To psychological triggers that are deeply built into our humanness- like feeling accepted, being part of something (e.g a group), to playfulness, to creativity- to something "bigger" than just little old me trying to make money.
We all have an unconscious desire to move towards wholeness and self actualisation. Once the needs for security and social are taken care of, it becomes more about finding your "dharma"- your place- the thing you were meant to do here on Earth.
It becomes about what you can offer people- how you can make a difference to many lives.
So, take the Red Pill of Self Awareness and reach a higher level of consciousness. Then work together with your unconscious mind to manage those destructive patterns that prevent you from being the best YOU can be.
Also a little off track- but oh well!
Tania
Right on, Ferny!
Great post. Once again, you've taken a situation outside of the world of Network Marketing, and made it meaningful for our community. It's important for all of us to remember is that our DNA has been hard-wired for millions of years, and that the complexity of our current lives do not always jive with that pre-programming. Once we understand that, it becomes much easier to "get our of our own way."
Best,
Shecky
Worst case scenario
Sometimes, just accepting the worst thing that could happen, helps to overcome fear. More often than not it is fear its self, that grabs us. Fear of change. We build comfort zones that often keep us super glued to where we are. Many people sabotage them selves in this business b/c of FEAR. What would I do if I were rich?? May sound dumb. But many people are used to living pay check to pay check. And the subliminal thought of success goes against their "Comfort" zone. It takes alot of self examintion to cross the line between fear and Action.
Red Pill
I read your article earlier but didn't leave a comment, then I posed in the forum and mentioned it......so I decided to come back and give you credit personally. I think that people are scared to live. That's why their so indecisive, opinionated, and stuck in their comfort zone. Overcoming fear is something that everyone MUST face in order to achieve anything that's staring them in the face. Overcoming a fear of rejection is something that everyone MUST face...and get over. Not everyone will like what you say, or buy what you have. Oh well. There is a infinite amount of people who will. I would have chose the red pill "reach a higher level of consciousness" IF I had the chance.....but since I wasn't in The Matrix....I started learning about the (Real) Laws (of Life). Great Article.
Philosophy of Fear
In a recent article in Success Magazine by Susan Jeffers, she proclaims that we should feel the fear and do it anyway. This is taken from her book "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway."
When it comes to the Fear of Rejection and not wanting to be pro-active about something, do it anyways. If you think you should wait and do whatever it is when you're not afraid, the way to conquer that fear is to take ACTION.
Once you have done something you feared a number of times, guess what happens - the fear of that particular situation goes away. And then it's time to further expand that COMFORT ZONE and move on to the next situation you FEAR. That's what growth is all about. And as your confidence builds, it will become easier and easier.
I would like to add to Susan's statement above that your FEAR of doing something that is not legal, ethical, moral, or of help to one another should not be put into this scenario. If it's wrong, the FEAR you feel in your mind and heart is your conscious screaming at you for a very good reason.
From the book "A Course In Miracles" it states that:
Perfect love casts out fear. If fear exists, then there is not perfect love.
BUT:
Only perfect love exists. If there is fear, it produces a state that does not exist.
All aspects of fear are untrue because they do not exist at the creative level, and therefore do not exist at all. That is why you can believe what no one else thinks is true. It is true for you because it was made by you.
Fear
an emotions that rules the world in so many areas that in our personal life so many people are afraid to step up to it and say MOVE. Fear is an emotion that is carried in our own minds and that we reflect on from past issues that have happened.
Afraid someone will point and laugh - at least you tried
Afraid to fail - with out trying you will never know what the results would be
Afraid to get hurt - the past voices reminds us of the pains when you want to move forward.
When I lay on the death bed - I want to smile and know I tried all that I wanted to be. Whether is
is great or a loss. I want to slide into the final resting spot screaming YEEEAA Hawww that was
a ride. Taking a last breathe with satisfaction. Leaving others with a smile on their faces that had the chance to watch.
Exactly! Our own self-talk
Exactly! Our own self-talk can be much more damaging than what anyone actually says. There is a whole therapy in psychology that teaches clients how to change their thinking. You have to be willing to change and some people just can not psychologically do it. For those who can the world is their oyster.
Too true...
I've found if you can learn to acknowledge fear when it is or is about to hit you, you can avoid experiencing fear all together. I use a simple formula I've developed called S.T.A.R.T.
S.top
T.ake a break
A.cknowledge
R.ealize it's not real
T.ake control
Hope it will help others like it has helped me so FEAR does not plague us.
Jerome
I'm new.....
to this whole world of network marketing and I must say that I'm thankful that I've been pointed in the direction of the BetterNetworker website, especially right at this moment. FEAR was definitely plaguing me prior to me reading all these very insightful thoughts on this well known beast. In just those short few moments it took for me to read all these comments, I now feel like I'm ready to conquer the world by improving my life and doing all I can to help others embark on that same journey. Growth and real change are constant in life and can be dealt with in numerous positive ways. Thank you all for your comments which helped me to finally realize that fact and that it is absolutely necessary to implement these things into my own life everyday without any FEAR.
Comfort has it's place - but fear is exhilarating!
I used to wonder at dare devils and why they do what they do risking life and limb -- I've always preferred staying in the nice, safe cozy ski lodge to being out on the slopes and I sure don't want to jump out of any airplanes!
But being in business has forced me out of my comfort zone and to face my fears of rejection on a regular basis. Getting out there on the internet, teaching classes, meeting my mentors; public speaking; creating products - it's all scary at first. But as the adrenaline pumps through my body, I finally get what the dare devils are going after.
It's an incredible awareness of being alive and achieving something. It's exciting and unpredictable and challenging. Instead of drying up and winding down, I'm looking forward to each day even when I'm scared to pieces!
And at least my "adventures" are not likely to maim me permanently - just maybe a bruised ego now and then.
Thanks Ferny - for your part in helping me push through the fear - it's been an amazing ride!
Barbara
Avoiding Fear is a basic instinct
Hey Ferny great article. This is so true that our fears can control and manipulate every decision we make and action we do or do not take. One of our most basic of instincts is survival. Survival and fear keep us from going outside the box of our comfort zone. It has been said that we are motivated either by our instinct to find pleasure or to avoid pain.We must seek and explore the WHY of our decisions. Once you find the why of what you do and be present with this, without judging, this is where the healing begins. Being an entrepreneur and building your own business is about experience and discovery. Its about pushing yourself beyond your fears and realizing your dreams. The fear of failure and loss will keep many trapped within a mediocre existence. We must change our mindset and look into our dreams and goals, get to know the why of what you do. Dont ever stop believing in yourself, every failure is just a stepping stone to your ultimate SUCCESS.
Take care...
Paul
Fear Has Many Faces
Ferny,
Great artilce as ususal! One thing I learned about fear... among the many things... In regards to selling and rejection, I learned this from Kim Klaver. If you experience the feeling of "rejection" the other person is not rejecting you, they are rejecting or refusing the product, service, opportunity, etc... you are suggesting.
If one can mindfully seperate themselves from what they are promoting each and every time the speak to some one about it, the feeling of personal rejection will become less and less.
Another thing to realize is that not everyone wants or needs everthing they are offered... clearly... do you? I know I don't.
Dr Deb ND
failure is when you let fear dictate your life
This was a great post with some really insightful comments. After reading I wanted to add something of my own personal experience and hopefully help others who might need a shift in their reality.
In the past I feared failure and rejection because I wanted to be "liked and accepted" by everyone. The truth is I still want to be liked by most people, though now, I don't let the desire to be accepted dictate my life. However, as I said in the not so long ago past, I let my desire or need to be accepted drive my life. And as with most strongholds, this desire led me into some really bad situations, in both personal relationships and finances.
So what changed my desire? Well after picking up enough of the broken peices of my shattered life, you know those peices that were broken because I needed to be accepted. The very pain, I was trying to avoid of failure and rejection, I experienced with such intensity, that I had to make a decision to accept ME as I was with all my failings and shortcomings. I mean, if I had to depend on others for my value and worth, then I was really just rejecting myself. If you can't lead yourself, how to expect anyone else to follow you? And if you can't believe and accept yourself, how can you expect anyone else to accept and believe in you. Now, that does not mean there is no room for improving myself, but I accept where I am today and make concrete plans toward improving.
See fear is the bars on the prison door that keeps us from being who we are meant to be. Who we have the capability to be. It holds us captive from making the changes we need to make in our lives to become a person we can accept and believe. So if you are feeling trapped by fear, take some time to find out what it is that frightens you? Then write down some solutions to change those situations. Then work those solutions out daily. I like to dialouge with myself, like I would a friend. I would help a friend in my situation. So why not help myself with the same techinques.
Now I know this is all stuff we hear from many different places, but it works. I know it works because I went from someone who was afraid to take chances and express my own thoughts because people might not like what I had to say. Then just a couple of years after this self limiting mindset I faced the challenge of being a candidate for the US Congress against a strong incumbent - basically facing the very fear that had kept me a prisoner for so long. Was I afraid, you bet I was, but I did it anyway, because I believed in what I was doing and finally accepted and believed in myself.
And you know what? I did not win that election, and those feelings of rejection came back in a strong way, because I was rejected by over 50% of those who voted. But this time I did not let my fear hold me as a prisoner. Instead, I praised myself for being willing to do what most people are unwilling to do, which is put myself out there, take the risk and fail (if you want to call it failure). I don't consider it a failure, no I did not reach my intended goal, but I made my attempt.
So I have a new philosphy... failure is when you let fear dictate your life. Instead start with the little steps needed to change. Smile at a stranger, talk to someone in line with you at the grocery store, hold the door open for someone at the mall, these little steps of service will earn you some praise and acceptance from strangers and help you accept yourself. Before you know it, these things become the stepping stones toward freedom from fear.
Just my two cents worth.
Fear redefined
I was on a call a while back by one of my mentors on this topic of fear and it really changed how I look at fear.
He defined fear with this acronym:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Most of how we perceive fear is often not really based on facts or reality. This really has helped me when I'm confronted with it! In fact it is when in those situations that we achieve the greatest growth.
In my mind, the more fear I feel when taking on a new challenge, the greater the opportunity to reach new heights in my business etc.
Dianne
Look Inside to Understand Those Outside
Great job.
Most people could understand what makes others think and respond as they do if they only took a moment to look within. Given any situation if you turn it around and ask yourself how you would act, respond, think, etc if the situation was reversed, you could better understand others. How would you respond if someone said something to you or took an action that impacted you.
There are several famous variations of this principle. Probably the most well known is The Golden Rule. Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.
In our industry this holds so true. That is why the rules here at BN are there. We don't need to be pushing things onto others here. If we do, we should expect the same reaction from others as we, ourselves would react. Another rule marketers may want to live by is, Look Before You Leap.
Think what the reaction will be before you take an action. It may save you from making some big mistakes in your business.
Tom
Fear - It Drains As It Feeds
Ferny-
I think you said it correctly near the end of your article when you talked about how acknowledgement and awareness of the fear can be both a blessing and a curse. Our society doesn't reward those individuals for being aware that before when they were unaware, they married the wrong person, graduated with the wrong degree or settled into a job they dislike, and after becoming aware, they seek to change or undo the decisions they've made. In this respect, I think our contemporary culture reinforces some of these fears, yet rewards those who have overcome them. It drains as it feeds.
Personally, in those moments where I am hit up with paralyzing fear, I ask myself if life has to be this difficult. This is how I overcome fear. Yet, in some cases it makes me a bit critical of those individuals who have settled into the mediocrity of a resigned life of 9-5 drudgery that is only dotted with a few superficial resort vacations and zombie-like beer drinking football afternoons with ass firmly rooted in a lounger.
Anyway, this is a great topic and one worth pondering. Thanks for giving us all cause to apply this to our own life.
Fear...
Thank you Ferny for a great article.
And thanks to all who commented. I'm a newbie and it's good to know I'm not the only one facing fears. I appreciate the ideas and thoughts you're all willing to share - it makes it easier to keep on keeping on.
Wow
Thank you so much for this article Ferny. It hit the nail on the head. I would have never thought of the fear of rejection being a genetic design. Very powerful article.
As Yoda Might Say: A Wise Man You Are
Dear Mr. Ceballos -- Again I feel compelled to compliment you on your stellar writing skills. This article, however, also shed light on both your wisdom and your compassion. No wonder you're at the top:-)