Mormon Parody About One of The Faith's Historical Sites

  Written by Randy Enman on Jan 17, 2010 2:30 PM

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This article/parody by Steve Benson at www.mormoncurtain.com was good for a laugh.

If you know much about Mormonism then some of the subtle references are quite funny, if not, just pretend and laugh anyhow, it's good medicine!  lol :D

The Magical Mystery Adam-On-Di-Amon Tour
Posted By Steve Benson
STEVE BENSON - SECTION 3   -Guid-
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"Brothers and sisters, if you will all please step over this way toward the altar of stones, which you can see just ahead of you.

"Please watch where you are going. I see dead people--especially if you wander off the trail and over the cliff.

"Welcome to Adam-on-di-Amon.

"Before proceeding, we here at Faithfully Yours Mormon Tours ask that you please not touch, pick up, rearrange or remove these altar stones. We like to say that they are the original stones used by Father Adam to build an altar on this very spot.

"Unfortunately, the original stones which Adam used to build this altar have, over the years and through constant theft and vandalism, been lost and stolen--requiring that we replace them over and over again.

"This means that your tour guide crew has to waste valuable time that they could otherwise use making up more stories for you to share in sacrament meeting when you get home, in order to haul in new rocks to replace the ones you've taken off with. This rebuilding routine gets old real quick so, if you wouldn't mind, please play along and KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF THESE ORIGINAL REPLACEMENT STONES!

"If you want some stones to remember your visit here, you can buy some plastic replicas in the gift shop, located at the rear of the bus. Just ask the Mormon clerk with the plastic smile to help you.

"Thank you.

"Moving along, like I said, this historic and holy tourist trap, er, place is known as 'Adam-on-di-Amon.' I will explain that name in a moment, although what I will be saying about it makes very little sense to me or anyone else who gets paid with your tithing dollars to make it sound like something straight out of a FARMS brochure on ancient American NASCAR racing.

"If you will look at your bus tour maps, you can see that we are standing about two miles south of Jameson, Missouri, with a pleasant view overlooking the waters of the Grand River, not far from where hundreds of thousands of Book of Mormon enemy combatants slaughtered each other during the California Gold Rush.

"The Saints who eventually settled here were told by the Prophet Joseph Smith that Jameson is also near the spot of an ancient Nephite city--as indicated by the discovery of hewn stones already in piles when the Saints arrived.

"These stones were said to have displayed Deformed Egyptian hieroglyphs which, when translated by the Prophet Joseph using several of these altar rocks as peepstones in a hat, spelled out, "Lehi loves Sariah but hates brown people and Catholics."

"Unfortunately, these stones have also been stolen.

"Moving along--Hey!! Look, son, I told you not to touch those rocks! Drop them! Do it now, before the Great Jehovah strikes you down like Korihor and you suffer an ignoramius death! (Works everytime).

"Now, where was I?

"Oh, yes, it was on this spot that the Prophet Joseph Smith declared that Adam--the father of the human race and, according to Brigham Young, the guy who conceived Jesus through sex with the not-so-virgin Mary--was buried.

"In fact, if you look closely, you can see what looks like the end of a human leg bone sticking out of the dirt. Actually, it's a cow bone. The human ones are at the site of the Mountain Meadows Massacre, but we ain't goin' there.

"The parcel of land upon which you are standing was purchased by the Saints who settled here from a man named Arrington. Who he was, I haven't a clue. Someone who actually cares and who has lots of time on their hands should do his genealogy then thank him with a dunk-tank baptism for the dead send-off into eternally polygamous potluck glory, but that's for another time and place in outer space.

"It was to this hallowed spot that the Latter-day Saints flocked as their promised Zion--but only after they had been driven from all the other places they had also been promised.

"Eventually this location became a town, after starting out as a farm, and from there grew rapidly into the field of weeds that you see here today.

"The Saints gathered here from all quarters, even "Far West" (before they were forced to pull up stakes and move to 'Farther and Farther West')--but not before they had assembled at this sacred site and poked around, using one of Joseph Smith's witching sticks, looking for the grave of Adam.

"Adam's slippery remains (not to mention his apple) have yet to be found, although a petrified fig leaf, believed to have at one time been attached to his apron, was dug up when Joseph Smith was out here hunting for buried treasure.

"The town which the Saints proceeded to build on this spot was designated as 'Adam-on-di-Amon.' It is a name the Prophet Joseph came up with by writing it on a slip of paper, putting it in a hat along with several other names on their own slips of paper, then asking Emma to close her eyes and draw one out, while he stole a kiss from Fannie Alger.

"Now, here is where things get a bit complicated so stick with me--and put down that rock, kid! How many times do I have to tell you?? Next time, I'll bash your head in with it!! (Which might not be a bad idea. We could tell the next tour group that the blood they see on the rock came from Jesus, who was crucified on this very spot. Hmmmmm . . .)

"Anyway, the name 'Adam-on-di-Amon' was the name the Saints ended up using because it was easier to spell than other choices, including 'Addin'-on-Aladdin,' 'You-Da-Dude-Diahman,' 'Adam-played-Backgammon,' 'Princess-Di-is-Dead-'n-Gone-Man,' 'Diamond-Shamrock,' and (my personal favorite) 'Dam-Dam-bo-Bam-Banana-Fana-fo-Fam-Fee-Fi-MoMan-Adam.'

"In a sermon delivered on this spot by the Prophet Joseph, he declared that name 'Adam-on-di-Amon' was the name given anciently to a nearby valley (then known as Utah Valley) where Adam, prior to his death, called his children together and blessed them, then abandoned his family for some of his other wives, since Eve had managed to get him thrown out of his favorite watering hole--known among the local pre-Adamites as the 'Garden of Cheatin'--all for giving in to Eve by partaking of a beer that was delicious to the taste, but which he hadn't paid for.

"According to the Prophet Joseph, the blessing which Adam bestowed upon his children took place when the Earth was divided with the land in one place and the water in another, whatever the hell that means.

"Just think about it. (Wait, you can't think. You're Mormons on a fantasy trek, for gawd's sake). Land in one place and water in another. Land and water have got to be seperate; otherwise, how could you have, like, land, over here and water over there? Maybe that's a Gospel mystery for Bruce R. McConkie to figure out for us.

"It was also on this spot, brothers and sisters, that Father Adam dwelt ("Dwelt." What a dumb word. Why can't we just say "lived" or "hung out"? Because it's not in the damn script out of the Correlation Committee, that's why).

"Anyhoo, this is where Adam dwelt with his people prior to his death, which occured when he was bitten by a snake that Eve had let into the house without telling him.

"Before he died, Adam constructed the altar, represented here by this pile of meaningless rubble. It was at this altar that Father Adam, now advanced in years and by this time just plain sick and tired of earning too little bread by too much sweat of his brow, also offered sacrifices, since they were easier to come by.

"Following Masonic rituals that he would later reveal to the Prophet Joseph, Adam would slay chickens and goats(which he stole from the neighborhood Gentiles). This he did in the upper room of a mudhut prototype of what was later to become the Nauvoo Temple--and then drink their blood here, out of sight of the local authorities.

"Also at this stone altar--Hey!! OK, that's it, punk! (Sound of stone from altar hitting skull of kid)

"I apologize for the interruption.

"It was also here at this stone altar that, according to the early Mormon polygamist Zelph the White Danite, Adam leaned on his staff and prophesied many events that were to come to pass in the present generation, including the destruction of the Mormon Church due to the HBO special, "Big Love" and Mitt Romney's failed bid to lie his way into the White House by claiming he was baptized against his will by Mormon missionaries desperate for numbers.

"To wrap things up (as the Prophet Joseph used to say when referring to his Egyptian mummies), it was at this very spot that Adam bestowed his final blessings on his descendants--before the venom from that snake that Eve let loose in their house took effect and paralyzed Adam's vocal cords, causing his children to cry out, "What is wanted?," whereupon Adam managed to get out his last words, "Adam, having been true and faithful, desires a glass of water from the pail," before collapsing and dying.

"Are there any questions? . . .

"No? (That figures. Mormons never question).

"Well, if there aren't any questions, does anyone have any answers?

"Yes? Too bad. They're all wrong.

"OK, then, everyone on the bus for Denny's."

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