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[Ryan Campbell Contribution Level: 1]

i'm looking for any help or critique on my capture page i just finished. it's my first one so it may need alot of help. here is the link:

http://www.ezleadcapture.com/member/bookwise2.htm





thanks
Ryan

[Jim Yaghi Contribution Level: 4]

excellent job, looks very nice

i would take the Tell A Friend button off, i find it distracting personally. In my experience people are much more willing to tell a friend AFTER you build a relationship with them or in exchange for something.

ok gonna run through a couple of things, they're just opinion and take nothing away from your hard work in any way:

- the text in the header didnt catch my eye -- i automatically skipped it

- the first thing i looked at was the headline and that didnt stand out enough to keep me riveted to it -- try bigger, more centered, force me to look there as soon as i land on the page

- the qualifying headline should be made smaller and why would anyone look for a unique home business? try benefits that they would actually be looking for; eg, low risk, start for pennies, AND make money rain from the sky who wouldnt want that ;)

- use bullets rather than flat text, it was uncomfortable to read. i'd make bold key words that you want to catch my eye with. most people will skim before they read. if you got words like "without leaving your home" in bold, i may be intrigued to find out what it is i dont have to leave my home for. use the bolding to get people curious

- stagger the ends of the lines in the body--make them variable length. If you dont center them you'd have that effect anyway. this keeps the reader riveted to the page.

- The opt-in form could use a square or something around it that makes me pay attention to it. The headline above the opt-in form is just as important.

here's how i look at a page:

it loads, i check the headline that it has a benefit i was looking for (information usually) and see if it has any clues as to what the webpage owner wants from me in return--i want something for nothing (usually). Webpage owners dont make websites without wanting something back.

i then have a quick browse to see how long the page is. That means i end up scrolling to the bottom. If i see a form i know i gotta give my details so tell me right there what you want them for or else i'll leave.




I hope this helps. show me what it looks like when you're done, i'd love to see.

jim

[Jim Yaghi Contribution Level: 4]

oh here are two ideas for titles -- fiddle with them to make them work for you:

Give Me Just 8 Minutes, And I'll Show You A
Simple Business That Will Transform Your Life

or

8 Minutes From Now, You Will Have The Keys
To The Ferrari Of All Business Models


the idea i had was to emphasise how quickly they will have all their questions answered and be on the way to "some huge benefit". i didnt put much thought into these, but they're a starting point.

jim

[David Schwind Contribution Level: 2]

Nice posts Jim. :)

Yah, you really want to nail a good headline. Without one that works, the rest of your page wont even matter. If your headline doesn't GRAB them, then they're as good as gone.

Work on your headline, THEN work on improving the rest of your page. Jim gave some good pointers for headlines. Just try to use your imagination and make sure you see a BENEFIT in it before you decide to use it.

Hope this helps. :)

[Dr . Roger Moore Contribution Level: 1]

Your page looks good, try using this and see how it works:

Give Me Just 8 Minutes, And I'll Show you How to

get a Simple Business That Will Transform Your Life

or

In 8 minutes I'll show you how to have a simple business
that will transform your life forever!!

Try How To in different ways, there are many things that you can use

Roger Moore. PhD

[Tom Bell Contribution Level: 1]

I thought I would chime in with the obvious question to me..

How is the page doing as is?

any traffic yet?

The reason I ask is (first off, it doesent look bad to begin with) you need a baseline to compare any changes to.

just my $.02

[Michele Rosborough Company: ViSalus Sciences Contribution Level: 1]

Hi Ryan,

I agree with all the above so there's no point repeating it. A few points I would mention:

There is no personalisation on the page. You should maybe post a picture with a bit about yourself.

The 'unmatched compensation' statement. Personally when I see statements like this or 'best comp. plan in the industry' etc. I say 'says who?' and 'prove it'. Perhaps a better way of trying to get the point across would be 'unique compensation plan' so something to that affect. Then again maybe some people don't have a problem with a statement like that so testing obviously will always be a factor.

The other thing is that I looked at the actual business presentation, which is very interesting. Now I understand why you have "The most intelligent home based business in the world" in your copy. This is a point that you may want to exploit because they are using it as a USP. Just the 'most intelligent' statement above doesn't tell the reader WHY it is....the most, so you need to reinforce this a few times throughout your page.

There are obviously ways that this can be integrated into your main copy but one of the places that stood out for me was in the copy over your opt-in.

You wrote:

'To learn more about our business opportunity please submit your information below.'

I would go more along the lines of "Find out how this business increases your intelligence while freeing you financially'. Anyway that may be a bit long but you get the idea. Again back to the previous point, it reinforces the USP and also mentions 'YOUR' and 'YOU', personalising it to your target market.

Cheers,

Michele Rosborough

[Justin Christianson Contribution Level: 2]

Good point Tom,

If you don't have a control to compare to, it is hard to make something better.

You never know until you test it! ;)

If it were me I would, beef up the headline and use bullets of some things they will learn/get from it...

Maybe left justify the paragraphs on the bottom and hit them with a good call to action

You should also include a privacy policy on your page as well...

But you will definitely want to test a different version vs this one to compare notes!

Justin Christianson

[Jim Yaghi Contribution Level: 4]

i'm open for critique as well:

http://www.ozibillionaire.com/newcap.html

should i cut it at the 3rd bullet? does the bio and contact info add credibility or is that over cluttered?

jim

[Tom Bell Contribution Level: 1]

Jim, that is a VERY good sales letter, now lets get you a landing page :-)

Ok, just being a smart a--

Seriously, its real good, the copy, not over the top hype, but solid.

I am interested to know how its doing and to what kind of traffic.

One thing I would test is essencially losing the entire page under the 3 bullets, going super short. if your converting well against email or banner traffic youll likely see a bump up in conversion.

If your not using email or banners, perhaps its time to start.

Hit me up if you want some pointers on these.
Tom