Forums

[Geoffrey Yumul Contribution Level: 2]

Hi all,

I recently read some Copywriting ebooks from Yanik Silver. Wow! His tips are so cool that I ended up spending an hour or 2 trying to finish my very first direct mail sales letter.

Can copywriting experts here give me some feedback about my draft?

Here is where it's at: http://www.pinoymlmnetworker.com/ad2.pdf

Thanks,
Geoff

[Geoffrey Yumul Contribution Level: 2]

Hey what is a P1000 ?, and how can you afford to give one away? I might want one of those for Christmas, is that like a Chinese dollar bill or something? They never showed me one of those at NMSU, but hell gold was only worth $35 an ounce then too, so maybe there weren't any P1000s then.

I have that Yanik bootcamp thing, I'm only on day two, those exercises are tough. The only thing about that direct mail thing is I can't get them in my modem, How do you send them after you write them?
Do you really have to use stamps? Ouch that's almost like snail mail.

Computer keyboard or typewriter doesn't have the currency symbol of a Peso, that's why I write the amount of money like this P1000, instead of $1000.

I'm not really giving away P1000 (or 1000 pesos) from my wallet, it's like:
1. Customer pays me P2000 (2000 pesos)
2. I decided to give him a discount the last minute so I return P1000 (1000 pesos) to him.
3. With that said, I gave him P1000 (1000 pesos). It's a different way of saying he got a %50 discount.

Is my sales letter misleading?

I am not really sure how you can get stamps in your letters through your modem, but my idea of direct mail IS snail mail. I send out physical letters to their house's mail drop box. HTH!

Geoff

[Geoffrey Yumul Contribution Level: 2]

"My neighbor" sounds a bit odd to me.

I am not sure the big hype build up suites your product - but a test would prove that.

One thing I don't like is the struck out numbers. I am sure it is a Yanik tip, but to me it has bullshit (am I allowed to say that?) written all over it. Unless the numbers change in real time with every order you lose credibility with me. But if that is what the gurus say to do who am I to disagree.

Hope you get a good response.

Hi Dean,

Thanks! You know what? I have the same thoughts as you regarding struck out numbers. It's obviously not real time. I was thinking of taking it out... and since you and I are on the same page as that, I will.

Yeah, I am thinking of doind a split test. One that is short, straight and simple... the other is this one. I'm kinda skeptic how this will go, thus I posted it here for comments.

I'll take out my neighbor. I realized I will be sending this to my colleagues too hehehe.

Thanks again!

Geoff

[Jeff Gardner Company: Wealthworld Contribution Level: 2]

To really critique your letter, it's important to know who you're mailing this letter to. Who is your target market? What are their problems? Are they looking for this solution to their problem?

It's an interesting letter, but it's difficult to critique without knowing who you're mailing it to. And, from your salutation, it sounds like you're sending it to "neighbors". People who live near you. (I'm hoping I'm wrong on this)

If you could clarify, I'd definitely be interested in critiquing this letter.

Best,
Jeff Gardner

[Loren Woirhaye Contribution Level: 2]

It's bad. Don't mail this. You'll get killed on the postage.

It reads like B.S. too. However, I'm an American, so what is
B.S. to me may not be read as B.S. in your country.

The most important factor in direct mail is list selection. Cold
mailing this to your neighbors will yield (I predict) sucky results.
Mailing to a list of existing customers may work better, but
your attempt to bamboozle with false scarcity is transparent
and artless.

Get empathy. Without it your letters will go in the trash.

[Tomo Albanese Contribution Level: 1]

I would have to agree with Loren, and I would also add that its misleading.

The first hardship is the headline...

Meaning...you have no headline.

There is no reason for your reader to read your direct mail peace currently, because you haven't connected with them.

Someone else had mentioned that we don't know who your demographic is. What your letter tells me is that YOU don't know who your typical BUYER is. I'll give you a hint, its more specific than, "dirty people who need a bath."

I would also bet dollars to baht that their is a cultural difference between your market, and the copywriter whose techniques you adapted. Your demographic has some pretty fundamental beliefs which can be connected with, and CONNECTION is important.

The hallmark of a bad sales letter is that its full of techniques and tricks. You'd be better off saying, "Do You Have Someone That's Impossible To Shop For? These Fancy Soaps Will Make You Look As Good As They Smell. Buy 2 Gifts Now And Get Gift #3...ABSOLUTELY FREE!"

Do yourself a favor, and figure out who's buying these things, and then take another crack at it.